In a stunning attack on President-elect Donald Trump’s controversial end-run around the American fourth estate, the press has announced that watching a Presidential speech on YouTube or on blogs could result in jail time for the illicit viewer.

“Constitutionally,” said Chris Cuomo on CNN, “it is illegal for viewers to watch presidential speeches directly. It’s dangerous, and could result in jail time—or worse.”

According to Cuomo, the media has expert health professionals on call to implement the appropriate legal and visual filters to ensure a safe viewing experience when watching politicians speak.

“We are the only safe conduit between Trump and the People,” said NBC News correspondent Hallie Jackson. “He burns brightly and without repose. Do not, under any circumstances, watch President-elect Donald Trump directly.”

“Our chyrons are the difference between legal and illegal,” said Deborah Turness, President of NBC News, “between health and utter electoral blindness. We are gravely concerned at President Trump’s lack of transparency toward the news media.”

A joint CNN-NBC-ABC-CBS-NPR press release quoted the New York School of Journalism:

The Section of Media Affairs of the New York School of Journalism strongly advises that the only safe method of viewing Donald Trump, especially as President, is to watch him on television. No other means is completely reliable. Nothing short of 100 percent foolproof analysis is called for when the stakes are as high as permanent loss of political relevance. Again, the Media advises that the President-elect should only be viewed on television. This position is also endorsed by the Washington, DC School of Media Relations.

Walden College Professor of Journalism and Communications Ethics Barbara Boopstein added that “watching Presidential videos without the appropriate safeguards, a viewer might misinterpret a politician’s positions. They might completely contradict the expert interpretations.”

The joint press release further emphasized that,

Care must be taken to have all voters in front of their televisions before the President-elect speaks. Blinds and/or blankets must be laid over all computers connected to the Internet, to prevent accidental exposure during a speech. All journalists have the responsibility of doing their utmost to protect voters from possibly defective analysis, according to the advice given to us by the New York School of Journalism.

Cuomo also told his viewers that, in the event of a fire or terrorist attack, the viewer must remain seated and wait further instructions from his show. “Under no circumstances,” said Cuomo, “should viewers risk hearing the President-elect speak without media analysis.”

President-elect Trump’s two-minute speech directly to the American people ignores years of precedence in media/presidential relations, says Professor Boopstein.

By all the unwritten laws of media warfare it is always the journalist who attacks, and with the wiliness of his class he does it just after dinner, at which time he knows the courage of the Republicans to be at its lowest ebb. The Republicans have in the meantime made a rude accusation of media bias, but only to media figures, for it is destruction to be too far from live cameras. There they await the media onslaught, the inexperienced ones clutching their bipartisan legislation and speaking kindly of Democrats, but the old hands drinking tranquilly until just before the six o’clock news.

That this was the usual procedure was so well known to Trump from the general campaign that in disregarding it he cannot be excused on the plea of ignorance.

Around brave Hillary Clinton were a dozen of her stoutest journalists, and they slowly saw the perfidious Trump wave bearing down upon them. Fell from their eyes then the faked news through which they had looked at victory. No more would they torture polling numbers. Even then they had time to gather in a gaggle that would have been hard to break had they interviewed flyover country, but this they were forbidden to do by the traditions of their class. It is written that the noble journalist must never express interest in the opinions of a conservative. Thus terrible as the sudden appearance of the working class voters must have been to them, they remained hopeful on-camera, cosmetics unstreaked; as if the voters remained in their grasp. Then, indeed, the tradition gallantly upheld, they seized their microphones, and the air was torn with cries of racism and sexism; but it was now too late.

Thus perished many of the flower of the Piccaninny media.

Time Warner, CNN’s parent company, noted that through licensing agreements with Spectrum and other cable companies, they can detect when a viewer watches YouTube videos. According to Time Warner, they will report any unauthorized viewing of President-elect Donald Trump’s videos to the appropriate authorities.

“It’s the least we can do to protect our viewers,” said CNN President Jeff Zucker.