According to the Violence Policy Center, concealed carry laws have been a complete failure in Texas because Texans are not committing enough crimes.

“We don’t really understand why they aren’t committing enough violent crime,” said Violence Policy Center spokesperson Josh Sugarmann. “We know they aren’t law-abiding. It’s true that they don’t commit their fair share of violent crimes, but when it comes to Concealed Carry misdemeanors, CCW holders commit far more CCW paperwork crimes than non-CCW holders.”

“We would prefer that gun owners in Texas were more violent, and we are considering an outreach program to aid violent Texans,” continued Sugarmann. “But we feel that the massive rate of paperwork crimes--around an entire percentage--justifies banning all guns in the United States.”

A recent Violence Policy Center press release also said that they were considering expanding to health crimes. “It turns out that restaurateurs commit more food-related paperwork crimes than non-restaurant owners,” says the Center. “We think these criminals need to be stopped. No more restaurants should be licensed, and currently licensed restaurants should be banned.”

Local anti-gun activists are as angry as the DC-based Violence Policy Center. “There just haven’t been wild west shootouts in the streets,” said Texans Against Gun Violence lobbyist Nina Butts. “Gun owners aren’t holding up their end of the bargain.” Butts said that Texans need more violence if they are to meet the quota set by anti-gun states. “California is far ahead of Texas here,” said Butts. “Texans need to start killing a lot more people if they’re going to catch up.” Butts said that her organization was considering handing out “Saturday Night Specials” to criminals in order to bring the violence rate up. “This is very important,” said Butts. “If we don’t bring the violent crime rate up in Texas, people might think gun control laws don’t work.” Butts said that her organization was working with the Violence Policy Center, and that one option was to bus criminals in from Washington, DC. “We don’t want to reduce DC’s violence rate,” said Sugarmann, “but the Texas violence drought saddens us.”