“My name is Al Gore, and I’m an alcoholic.” With those words in Texas yesterday, Vice President Al Gore opened the most controversial press conference of his career.

“I apologize to the people of America,” Gore said. “I absolutely do not support eliminating firearms.” Gore stated that his previous calls for banning firearms were the product of alcoholic binges.

“I’m looking over my previous press conferences and I don’t remember saying any of this,” said Gore. “I do not support banning inexpensive firearms that the average person can afford.” He went on to say that he could “only surmise that I was drunk when I proposed that ban.” He went on to criticize his proposed ban on handgun ownership by young adults, by saying, “this is clearly a bad, bad law, and I cannot imagine what state I was in when I proposed it. I would never, ever attempt to disarm the people of America.”

A right-wing reporter asked if perhaps he had been in the state of New York when he said that, and was booed by the rest of the reporters. “That was a cheap shot,” said one reporter from the Associated Press. The Vice President waved his supporters down, however. “That was fully justified,” said Gore. “In the past few years my alcohol problem has turned me into a Jekyll-and-Hyde politician, supporting outright bans on guns at times. But I will end this problem here, with the help of America. I will drink not another drop!”

The room filled with thunderous applause.

The Vice President further apologized to Charlton Heston and the National Rifle Association. “They have been so kind and giving to me throughout this problem of mine,” said Gore. “Even to the point of giving us gun restrictions that should never have been proposed.” The President recognized that those restrictions, proposed last year and almost passed, were bad laws, said Gore, “and that’s why he convinced Democrats to vote against them. I cannot thank the NRA enough for their patience over the years, but I do wish that they had been more firm with me.”

His wife Tipper Gore said she stood fully behind her husband’s attempt to get on the wagon. “This has been a trying time for me,” said Mrs. Gore, “as I have watched Al propose gun ban after gun ban in a drunken stupor. I’m glad he has finally recognized that he has a problem.” According to Mrs. Gore, the Vice President has not touched a drop of alcohol since entering Texas.

When asked if he would still be so open about his alcohol and gun control problem in Massachusetts later this week, the Vice President said, “In Massachusetts, everyone’s an alcoholic. I’m sure they’ll understand.”