A Vancouver high school has students up in arms about a new dress code that appears to outlaw a wide variety of clothing. The new code outlaws “apparel being too low cut, see through, too tight, strapless, narrow straps, sleeveless, bra showing, backless, midriff showing, inappropriate, offensive or gang-related logo or language, or dirty or tattered.”

“We’re not allowed to wear tight clothes and we’re not allowed to wear loose clothes,” said 15-year-old Celina Pattison. “What are we supposed to wear?”

According to school officials, children such as Celina are missing the point of these rules.

“There were a lot of rumors and a lot of panicked responses by nice white kids,” principal Des McKay said. “These kids have nothing to worry about. Our basic rule is that we only apply such overbroad rules against kids we don’t like. This is the way laws work in the real world, and we have to address that in school.” According to McKay, laws are always made overbroad in order to better crack down on minorities and the poor.

McKay says that the rules were not meant to be looked at in toto. “We don’t allow kids to wear loose-fitting clothing, because that’s what gangs do.” McKay said that they would only enforce the rule against gang members. “It’s just another tool in our arsenal against gang warfare,” said McKay. “Surely these kids don’t support gang warfare?”

And the rule against tight-fitting clothing “will only be enforced against teen-age sluts,” continued the principal.

According to McKay, public opinion and the courts frown on “crackdowns against poor children. But by making it illegal to wear frayed clothing, we can crack down on poor fashion instead. And it’s the same thing!”

McKay is especially proud of the rule against “inappropriate” clothing. “It’s true that by making a rule against both tight and loose clothing, or strapless and strapped clothing, we’ve pretty much covered all the bases against undesirables. But some undesirables are smart kids, and they might be able to find a way around specific rules. There is no way for them to get around a rule against inappropriate clothing, because inappropriate clothing is whatever they happen to be wearing when I want to kick them out of school.”