Essential tools of the Utah sheriff’s department: nightsticks, guns, and freecell.

Utah Sheriff Jim Tracy has a new tool in the war on drugs: the Internet. “Ravers have been using the Internet for years to advertise their dances,” said Sheriff Tracy. “Now that we have computers too, we’re on to them.”

The Sheriff displayed rows of deputies sitting at computer workstations, their screens filled with a familiar green background.

“Is that solitaire?” asked one reporter.

“Stealth solitaire,” said Tracy. “Our officers can blend in at any coffeeshop or library where ravers pass on their rave invites. We also encourage them to IM throughout the day.”

Tracy described their recent raid on a desert rave organized by Salt Lake record store owner Brandon Fullmer as an example of the successes of their new strategy.

“The Internet was integral to that bust,” said Sheriff Tracy. “Sure, we could have walked down to city hall to see their permit, but that’s hard work and they could flush their rave down the toilet by the time we got there. By browsing the Internet for ravers, we can get a lot more solitaire in.”

Sheriff Tracy was adamant that chat rooms and solitaire were only an enhanced addition to their drug war toolkit. “We still hit the basics: beating people up, and confiscating cameras when someone photographs us beating people up.”

“You!” yelled Tracy, “put that camera down!”

Cameraman Louis Henry, startled, dropped the Reader’s video camera to the floor.

“Pretty good, huh?” said Tracy. “Yeah, I still got it.”

Sheriff Tracy had a warning for anyone thinking of going to a dance: “We will watch the Internet, we will play solitaire, and we will take you down. And we will beat the shit out of you if you take pictures.”