Rep. Anthony D. Weiner, NY, rises to shoot down spurious charges after premature accusations.

New York Rep. Anthony D. Weiner (At Large) had his Twitter feed hacked, his identities stolen, and a nude photo of himself tweeted to a young college student last week. While Rep. Weiner noticed the pornographic tweet within four minutes and deleted it, the damage to his reputation was already done.

Despite the break-in, libel, harassment, and pornography, however, Weiner has refused to report the incident to police or any federal law enforcement agency. According to Weiner, this incident is too important to entrust to unionized law enforcement or any government worker.

“Unions and government workers are just not as competent as private law enforcement.”

Rep. Weiner says that he has “asked a private firm to look at what the heck happened here, to see who could have manipulated or hacked… my private parts.”

The Rep. has also announced that he will switch to the Libertarian Party.

“I realized that when it was my own privacy at stake, I didn’t trust public law enforcement. Government never works, and government unions are even worse. Private firms are always more effective.”

Asked whether he expected public unions to support him in the 2012 elections, he replied, “no, of course not. I don’t support unions and I do not want union support.”

Libertarian spokesperson Paul Notron welcomed Rep. Weiner to the party, but said that “for Libertarians, one of the few legitimate purposes of government is basic law enforcement. Otherwise, criminals could hire their own law enforcement to absolve themselves of their crimes.” According to Notron, “Libertarians support getting government out of victimless crimes such as prohibition, gambling, and tweeting naked photos of yourself to college students.”

Weiner, however, affirmed his support for anti-porn laws. “Sadly, the Internet is the predator’s venue of choice today. We need to update our strategies and our laws. Tweeting porn definitely should be illegal. And this isn’t just about porn, it’s about identity theft. Where did this hacker get a photo of me? How did they manipulate the contents of my underwear? These are important questions, too important to leave to the government.”

Weiner said that whenever a person’s identity is hacked, they should refuse to report it to police, and instead hire private security, “so as to bring the miscreant to justice.”

In his own case, Weiner said that “I really want to see this perpetrator in handcuffs… strapped down… maybe with a ball-gag in his mouth. Justice. Unionized police won’t do that.”