Washington Post Metro columnist Courtland Milloy has killed four men over the past four days, claiming self-defense in each case. “Use drugs and become a statistic,” said Mr. Milloy when questioned about the number of such killings.

On the first day, according to Milloy, an oriental fanatic, “clearly crazed from too much opium” tried to steal his children while he was doing his laundry. “What other crimes would have been committed in that dark, fetid place had I not beat the Chinaman up the side of the head with a baseball bat,” Milloy writes, “when these little innocent victims of the Chinaman’s wiles were under the influence of the drug, are almost too horrible to imagine. They would have been doomed, hopelessly doomed, beyond the shadow of redemption.” Fortunately, Milloy was also cleaning his children’s baseball uniforms, and had their bat available. “It took some time, but the Chinaman finally acceded to my requests to lay still,” said Milloy.

On the second day, according to Milloy, a black man attacked him while on the street. Milloy said that the man was “reduced to inhumanity by alcohol. Liquor will actually make a brute out of a Negro, causing him to commit unnatural crimes.” Milloy added that “the effect is the same on the white man, though the white man being further evolved it takes longer to reduce him to the same level.” Milloy foiled the attack using a baseball bat that he happened to be carrying.

On the third day, Milloy said that another superhuman negro burst through his brick wall, high on cocaine, and tried to rape his wife. “That’s what cocaine does to people, especially blacks. It gives them an uncontrollable urge to rape women and makes them nearly impervious to pain.” According to Milloy, “most of the attacks upon white women of the South are a direct result of the cocaine-crazed Negro brain. Fortunately, my baseball bat stopped this particular crazed cocaine fiend.”

On the fourth day, a Mexican immigrant, “a beet field peon acting like he was king of Mexico, and I was his political enemy, tried to assassinate me.” Milloy responded with his now-familiar baseball bat. He added that this behavior was not uncommon among Mexicans. “They become very violent under the influence of marijuana. They seem to have no fear. Under the influence of this weed they have enormous strength. Deadly force is required just to get their attention.”

Milloy said that it was clear that all four of the men were “hopped up” because every time he hit them with the baseball bat, they tried to stop him. “I kept telling them to stay down, to keep still,” said Milloy, “but every time I swung at them, they tried to grab the bat. Such is the illogical speech, confused thinking, and sensory distortions that drug use brings about.”

According to Mr. Milloy, “no reasonable person would have tried to stop the beatings.”

Police agreed, and compared his attackers to the black man who, high on PCP, attacked Cincinnati police officers. “The police are right,” said Milloy. “Every generation, there is a drug that requires police to kill minorities. We must outlaw those drugs. If minorities use it, it should be illegal.”

According to Milloy, today PCP is spreading “throughout mostly black urban areas”, giving police reasonable suspicion that if a suspect is black, then he is on PCP. “And anyone on PCP is a walking bulls-eye.” Milloy said that Department of Health and Human Services studies showing PCP users as less violent missed the point. “Police need reasonable suspicion to kill black men,” said Milloy. “If they couldn’t use PCP for that suspicon, there is still marijuana and alcohol. If I saw a black man on the street, I’d have to assume he was violent, too. That’s why I have my baseball bat.”

Milloy noted that his mirror was rarely in working condition.