“By banning the Defense Department from giving preferential treatment to companies for reasons other than the quality of their equipment and services, Congress has set a precedent that will prevent the armed services from getting quality equipment and services,” said Representative Carolyn McCarthy. “Refusing to allow the President to inject politics into the procurement progress, ensures substandard products for our men and women who defend our nation.”

According to McCarthy, a new form of procurement called ‘zen procurement’ is the wave of the future. Several studies have shown that products purchased according to non-quality-related guidelines are 43 times more likely to be better quality products. “This is the essence of zen,” said McCarthy. “If you want to build a better mousetrap, you ask the President to discuss the politics of cheese with cheese manufacturers. You do not discuss the quality of the mousetrap with mousetrap users.”

When asked if product quality testing had any place in zen procurement, McCarthy stated, “emphatically, no. By testing for quality, you are selecting poor quality products. This is the wrong mindset for the zen procurement method. If you want quality products, you must put any thoughts of quality completely out of your mind.”

McCarthy also stated that the attempt by Congress to forbid such micromanagement is itself a form of micromanagement. “Zen teaches us that if you think of a thing, you have done it,” said McCarthy. “By forbidding micromanagement, they have brought micromanagement to the center. To fully end micromanagement, they should turn their heads and look away while others micromanage. By allowing, they prevent. By preventing, they require.”

When asked if this new zen political style would affect her stand on gun control laws, McCarthy said, “definitely. I now fully oppose all gun control laws, and I support the repeal of the tens of thousands of gun control laws currently on the books. Only by completely removing and forgetting about gun control can we truly move towards gun control.”

McCarthy has called on her allies in Congress to support her bills to remove all gun control laws. Charles Schumer’s office, when contacted for comment, said “Carolyn is a putzhead. A real zen follower would not need to talk about zen to prove their commitment to zen.” He also stated that he plans to submit a bill which would deny any tax breaks for zen practioners. “Free speech was never meant to allow speech I disagree with,” said Senator Schumer.