Newly elected House minority leader Nancy Pelosi expressed confusion over the label “liberal” that has hounded her in recent press reports. According to Representative Pelosi (D-SF), “many of my most strongly-held beliefs are inherently right-wing.”

Supports States Rights

Pelosi noted that she supports states’ rights. She was an original co-sponsor of legislation to end federal restrictions on state medical laws. According to Pelosi, “the Medical Use of Marijuana Act was a purely states’ rights position. It legalized nothing and aided nobody. It only allowed states to choose to buck federal law.”

Pelosi said that “I have been at the forefront of bringing this states’ rights legislation to Congress.” Pelosi charged liberal opposition to states’ rights with sabotaging the “much-needed states’ rights legislation.”

Opposes Minority Empowerment

“Minorities should rely on the police to protect them just like everyone else,” said Pelosi. “If police choose not to protect minorities in dangerous neighborhoods, well, they’re dangerous neighborhoods because minorities can’t be trusted with firearms.”

Opposes Women’s Safety

“I voted against women defending themselves against abusive ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands,” said Pelosi. “Women should not antagonize men, they should acquiesce to men’s sexual needs.” Pelosi said that she voted against reducing the waiting period for women acquiring firearms because “this would only play into liberal feminists’ hands. Just because a guy threatens to rape his ex-wife doesn’t mean she should be able to defend herself against him. He’s probably just a hard-working guy with a lot of stress. He needs an outlet.”

Supports Strong Police State

Pelosi said that Americans should always forebear effective self-defense against criminals, and instead rely solely on police power to protect them. “People should rely on the police for their defense,” said Pelosi. “We need to place police on every streetcorner, in every home. This is the only way to keep Americans safe. Americans should never take responsibility for their own safety.”

Supports Educational Hegemony

“Minorities, liberal parents, religious groups, and other people with special beliefs should not be allowed to teach their children those beliefs,” said Pelosi. “Religious freedom cannot be perpetuated in the United States, and liberal values must not be taught to children.” According to Pelosi, children should be taught only “select ideologies chosen by those in power.” Pelosi said that she opposes vouchers because they “encourage civil liberties, freedom of speech, and religious freedom.”

Not a Liberal

A senior staffer summed up her team’s confusion when he said that “Nancy opposes minority empowerment, supports states’ rights, and supports a police state with an authoritarian educational system. She has carefully crafted a moderate to right image designed to appeal to the racist, authoritarian post-September 11 voter. If it weren’t for a biased press maligning her with an unfair ‘liberal’ label, she’d clearly be presidential material.”