Newspapers focus on important issues in 2008
Don’t worry, the Walkerville Weekly Reader is still publishing. It’s just that there’s nothing of import to write about during this election.
The editors of the Walkerville Weekly Reader would like to apologize for our silence during this record-breaking electoral season. The Reader has very high standards: we report only on things that are of such import no other newspaper will touch them. This year, however, there doesn’t appear to be any dearth of articles covering important topics. For example,
- When Senator McCain nominated a woman with a Downs syndrome child to the vice presidency, we considered publishing a story about how the child wasn’t hers at all, but was part of a cover-up involving teen sex, a topic that never fails to increase our page rank. We were beaten to this story by the Atlantic. They received the teen sex hits instead of us.
- When we discovered that Governor Sarah Palin reduced taxes on personal property, we began writing an article about her conflict of interest. After all, she and her husband own things. She reduced taxes on snowmobiles, and her husband owns a snowmobile! And sells them too! How can she ethically reduce taxes in Alaska when her husband is also in Alaska? Obviously, she can’t. Reducing taxes is always unethical for anyone with a spouse, child, parent, or lover living in the same state. Unfortunately, the Associated Press beat us to this story.
- When we discovered that Governor Palin’s husband likes to be in the same city as Governor Palin, we began work on a ground-breaking article about the puzzling inscrutability of a husband wanting to be near his wife: that’s obviously not mainstream values. But Salon.com scooped us on this vitally important story. No Pulitzer for us this year.
- Everyone knows that Senator McCain works in Washington. But we were recently surprised to discover that there are women in Washington, too. We considered constructing an allegation of improper relations from this highly suspect coincidence. But we were beaten to this punchy story by the New York Times.
- When Governor Palin recalled listening to Senator Biden in second grade, we knew it was a gaffe of monstrous proportions: Biden was elected while Palin was in third grade. But the Atlantic beat us to this one. Again. We’re getting worried about the Atlantic: Shaheen is considering applying for a job there, and that would cut 50% of our editorial staff. Our only hope is that the Atlantic doesn’t need fictional writers of satirical fiction. They already have Andrew Sullivan.
What else is there to write about? The mainstream news media has covered all of the important issues during this election season. We’ve decided to take a much-needed editorial retreat. We understand the hunting is great in Alaska, and nothing helps employees bond more than a 12-gauge rifle. (We’ll try to avoid drunken troopers.)
- TURN OF THE SCREW: Andrew Sullivan Calls Barney Frank Out for Complicity in Financial Crisis
- Just kidding. He wants to know who Trig’s mother is.
- AP Prober Chides Palin for Accepting ‘Awesome Facial’
- “On The Corner, Mark Hemingway underlines just how microscopic an ethical question can be from Sarah Palin’s mayoralty and still be cited as breaking national news in an ‘investigation’ by the AP.”
- Sarah Palin’s powerful “First Dude”
- No one has accused Todd Palin of interfering in state business for his own personal benefit—instead, the situation has remained somewhat inscrutable, if not odd. According to local politicos and observers, he lurks around the capitol if he doesn’t have anything better to do. “It’s sort of puzzling. He obviously plays an important role. I’ve seen him in the governor’s office.”
- Where Is The Love?
- “After leading with the allegations of sexual misconduct on Thursday, the Times waters it down within 24 hours to ‘concerns’ about ‘ties’ to a female lobbyist. A day after spreading unsubstantiated gossip, they’ve backpedaled to the ‘wink-wink, nudge-nudge’ method of journalism.”
- You Can’t Put One By Andrew Sullivan
- “Call home, Andy. If your Mother’s alive, she really has to be worried about you at this point. You’re riding the self-marginalization express to nowhere, or maybe sitting in for Olberman.”
- Desperation from Democrats
- “Troopers eventually investigated 13 issues and found four in which Wooten violated policy or broke the law or both: Wooten used a Taser on his stepson; He illegally shot a moose; He drank beer in his patrol car on one occasion; He told others his father-in-law would ‘eat a f’ing lead bullet’ if he helped his daughter get an attorney for the divorce.”
- LAT Blog: “How Did Newsweek Get Palin to Pose with a Rifle?”
- “That’s the over-under, break-open, breech-loading 12 gauge sort of rifle.”
Omar decries “White Hate”: In the wake of anti-white violence by a Muslim shooter in Denver, Representative Ilhan Omar begins campaign to “stand together to stop white hate.” (read more…)