Michigan residents are a violent and hateful people, according to David J. Kolb of the Muskegon Chronicle newspaper. The Muskegon, Michigan editor said that unlike the residents of other states, “who are able to control their tempers,” Michigan residents “are animals, creatures unfit for a civilized society.”

According to the Chronicle, residents of Michigan (alternatively labeled Michiganians or Michiganders, depending on “how you want your face re-arranged,” said Chronicle editor D. Gunnar Carlson) are inferior to other United States citizens.

According to a survey conducted by the Chronicle, a little over one half of all Michigan residents would kill if they were allowed to carry firearms for protection, “as over half of the United States already may do.” This sets Michigan residents firmly apart from the rest of America.

“In Florida, in Vermont, in Oregon, in over half the states in the union, liberalized concealed carry laws have resulted in lower violent crime,” said Kolb, “but in Michigan it will be different. Michiganians are just too violent as a group. We’re even more violent than Texans.”

“Even Texas saw no increase in violence or accidental deaths as a result of their liberal carry laws,” said Carlson. “But Michiganders are dirty, stinking apes--”

“Michiganians are dirty, stinking apes,” interjected Kolb.

Kolb and Carlson choked each other with printers’ ink and ended the interview. Funeral services will be held “when the snow melts”, according to their secretaries.