Justice Department officials announced yesterday that any patients attempting to build a better life or trying to get well will be prosecuted following the box-cutter attacks of September. According to the Justice Department, attempting to get well sends the wrong message to the friends and families of the box-cutter victims.

Federal agents recently raided medical marijuana distribution centers throughout California, where such centers were legalized in 1996. Agents destroyed patients’ medicines and confiscated patient lists.

Some commentators expressed surprise that these resources were diverted from the war on terrorism towards patients and doctors. The Justice Department stated that the crackdown on sick people was an integral part of the war on terror.

“Sick people are just as bad as terrorists,” said Justice Department spokesperson Susan Dryden. “We knew before that sick people are insensitive, and sure enough, here they are in the aftermath of September 11, trying to get better.” According to Dryden, nobody should be trying to stay alive in the aftermath of the box-cutter attacks. “It is the Bush Administration’s view that everyone should suffer, and we’ll be implementing full suffering across the board,” said Dryden. “Sick patients should definitely not follow their doctor’s recommendation to get well. These times call for sacrifices.”

Dryden said that the Justice Department was considering recommending new medical guidelines requiring all doctors to end the practice of curing patients and assisting them in getting better. She added that Justice is “working with the FDA to remove all over-the-counter cold and flu medicines from retailers’ shelves this winter.” They are also working with the DEA to implement house-to-house searches for aspirin and Tylenol. Anyone who tries to alleviate suffering is unpatriotic,” said Dryden. “We will show no mercy in our war against sick people everywhere.”

According to Dryden, this is not a new policy. She pointed to the DEA’s assistance in taking Peter McWilliams’s medicine away until he died from AIDS complications. “His death was a direct result of our policy, and an example of the results we’re hoping to achieve,” said Dryden.

Reverend Jerry Falwell expressed full support for the Justice Department policy, saying that most AIDS patients are gay anyway, and share full responsibility for the box-cutter attacks.