“I didn’t need a new wardrobe after all?”

Two weeks after FBI Director James Comey announced that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should not be prosecuted because she lacked the mental capacity to form intent, Democratic lawmakers have introduced important mens rea reform. Democrats say that their reforms will extend the protections Clinton received to the everyday American.

Republican reformers, who have been trying to introduce mens rea reform into the law for years were surprised Wednesday when Democratic lawmakers introduced a more sweeping version of reform than they ever dared try.

Attorney General Loretta Lynch signed off on the Democratic proposal which would, if enacted, gut the Attorney General’s power to prosecute, after a one-hour meeting with Bill Clinton in a disused Arizona airport basement lavatory with a sign on the door saying “beware of the leopard”.

Democrats argue that there are “just plain too many laws out there for people to know what they’re doing wrong. It’s time to remove the foot of big government from the face of the American people.”

Democrats were adamant that drunk drivers, for example, should not be held responsible for the accidents and deaths that happen to occur when they drive off of a bridge and leave their passenger to drown, “because people do not have the mental clarity, when drunk, to be prosecuted.”

FBI Director Comey agreed, saying that “even without this reform, we always look at, for example, was the person drunk when they committed the act, or was the victim wearing a short dress when she was assaulted? All of these go into whether or not a person should be prosecuted.”

Democrats also noted that this bill should not be considered a response to the Clinton email non-scandal. According to Comey, “The statute that Secretary of State Clinton violated does not require intent. It states that only gross negligence is necessary for a crime to be committed. Since Ms. Clinton was extremely careless, therefore, there was no crime.”

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Comey also noted that Clinton does not have the mental development necessary to form intent.

Republicans remain skeptical that Ms. Clinton lacked intent to destroy government documents when she destroyed the emails. During congressional hearings last week, Comey seemed to backtrack a little from his initial statements.

“True,” said Comey in response to questioning by House Representative Trey Gowdy (R-SC), “the evidence does point to intent, but not to wicked intent.”

After a merciless waterboarding by Representative Gowdy, Comey added that, “perhaps the evidence does show wicked intent, but she did not grill a baby on a barbecue and eat its liver. Her intent was not evil.”

Comey clarified further that “no baby grilling happened in front of me, or at least there’s no transcript of it.” Comey emphasized that he has not talked to the agents who attended the barbecue.

Comey described his decision not to recommend prosecuting Clinton as “simple logic. No reasonable prosecutor wants to attract the attention of the Internal Revenue Service under a future president.”

Comedian Steve Martin, who once played an inspector in a national law enforcement agency in a movie, testified that you, too, can destroy government documents and not go to jail. First, he said, change your name to Clinton. Then, destroy thousands of government documents. When you’re caught, apologize.

“Just tell them, I’m sorry. I didn’t know destroying government documents was illegal.”

“Also,” Martin added “threaten to use the IRS on them after you’re elected President.”