Searching for a means of securing his place in the history books, the outgoing President announced today that he will, in the next month, be pushing for an end to all laws based on holding non-criminals accountable for what criminals do.

“I don’t think mature people hold one person responsible for another person’s conduct, do you?” asked the President. “Mature people would not put one marijuana smoker in jail because some crackhead might steal a bicycle. Mature people would not restrict the legal ownership of firearms because some criminal might use firearms in a crime. Anyone who would do such a thing is not mature, and if history remembers me for anything, I hope it remembers me for bringing a maturity to the American system of justice that we have lost over the last few decades.”

Clinton announced that as part of his campaign to end these immature and childish laws, he would sign executive orders ending prosecution of gun owners because a criminal steals their firearms.