In a surprise move, major newspapers around the country today declared George W. Bush the landslide winner of the 2000 presidential election. “He’s the man,” said Los Angeles Times writer Richard T. Cooper. ABC News analyst Gary Langer agreed, saying, “Dude has a 12-point lead. Game over, man.”

Newspapers across the country were suggesting that rather than prolong the defeat, the Clinton administration might as well “pack their bags right now,” in the words of the New York Times. “We’ve read the polls,” said the Times, “and as far as we’re concerned, Bush is the president now.”

President Clinton, when contacted, was resigned: “the polls tell the story,” said Clinton. “and the polls never lie.” When asked if he would be vacating the White House early as requested by the news media, he replied, “no, can’t do that. I’m very close to beating Wilt Chamberlain’s record, but there ain’t no way anyone’s going to have sex with me after I’m no longer in power.” The First Lady agreed. “I certainly won’t. He doesn’t know it yet, but we’re getting a divorce after he’s gone. Polls say it will raise my standing 15% among likely women voters, and 12% overall.”

Sources close to Al Gore have said that the vice president might not leave the White House easily either. “Al has fond memories of the sixties and armed activist takeovers of public buildings. The White House is the ultimate symbol of ‘the man’,” say these sources, “and if George W. is ‘the man’, he might want to recall that Gore was once a bigger gun nut than even Dick Cheney.”

When asked what he might do in the face of an armed Gore activist army barricading themselves in the White House, Bush stated, “Hey, that’s his right. But he might want to remember that it will take me a few weeks to find a replacement for Janet Reno.”

A Los Angeles Times spokesperson, when asked if they had any concerns that their pronouncement might result in a DC bloodbath, said “sounds like a good headline.”