The White House unveiled a revolutionary new strategy this morning designed to “cut terrorism off at the roots,” said President Bush in a national speech, “really get at the heart of the matter.” According to the President, the cornerstone of the new three-fold strategy will be to end racism in all government activities. “We, the federal government and all law enforcement, need to be an example to the rest of America,” said President Bush.

The President said that “one of the more perplexing issues following the September 11 attacks was how the terrorists could have avoided the temptations of Western freedom. We now know the answer: our studies of the last few weeks have shown that racism is still endemic in America. The Arab terrorists didn’t assimilate into our culture because we didn’t want them to. Instead of welcoming immigrants, we shunned them, and kept them from taking part in the bounty of the United States.” According to the studies, said the President, immigrants can break through the wall of racism if they try, but if they have initial desires to avoid assimilation, racism assists those desires. “When immigrants come to America with preconceived prejudices and we meet them with racism,” said the President, “it only serves to strengthen their extremist views about America.”

White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said that some federal responses since September 11, being rooted in racism, have been counter-productive in the war on terrorism. According to Fleischer, “Our research shows that INS policies alone following the box-cutter attacks have probably created twenty to thirty new terrorists. We have no idea how many people those policies have condemned to death. Thousands, hundreds of thousands, or even millions, depending on the weapons the new terrorists will have access to. We must mitigate that damage now.”

The President said that the best way to mitigate the creation of new terrorists is to end racism in all government operations, “especially the INS.” According to the President, the INS will bear the brunt of the new policy. “As the worst offenders, the INS will need to completely overhaul the way they interact with minorities and immigrants,” said Bush.

Attorney General John Ashcroft said that they would be creating firm policies opposing any form of racial profiling among local and state police forces. Ashcroft said that “the FBI will ferret out any racist policies of any kind among local, state, and federal law enforcement, and the full weight of the Department of Justice will be brought to bear against any rogue agents found. We cannot afford any more racism within this country. We cannot afford to create new terrorists.”

The second front of the new war will focus on self-defense, according to the White House. “We’ve always known that victims who don’t fight back leave criminals free to create more victims who might not be able to fight back,” said Director of Homeland Security Thomas Ridge. “But it has never been so graphic as on September 11.” According to Ridge, past administrations have been content to let Americans rely on after-the-fact police clean-ups of criminal attacks. “No more. Americans must learn once again to rely on themselves for their own defense. Our way of life--our very freedoms--depend on it.”

Ridge said that they would be presenting Congress with a plan to make firearms training, martial arts training, and other forms of self-defense training, tax-deductible expenses. They would also be starting a new television campaign recommending that victims always fight back. Ridge said that they will initially focus efforts on women, minorities, homosexuals, and other at-risk populations. “Even when defending against a non-terrorist criminal,” said Ridge, “victims taking responsibility for their own defense will free up law enforcement resources to go after the really evil criminals, including terrorists.”

The final front of the new war will, according to the President, “hit terrorists in the pocketbook, ending terrorist funding”. Drug Czar John Walters will oversee the dismantling of prohibition. Over the next year, first marijuana, then coca, and finally opium will be re-legalized. “Prohibition,” said Walters, “funds international criminals and terrorists today in the same way that alcohol prohibition funded the Mafia and other organized crime organizations.” Walters said that ending modern prohibition will move the billions of dollars that currently go to criminals into legal markets. “This will not only cut off funding of terrorists and other international criminals, it will shore up the depressed U.S. market.”

Walters also said that Drug Enforcement Agents would not lose jobs under the new plan: they would be transferred to anti-terrorist activities. “It’s crazy to waste all that talent on stopping Americans from doing something most of them want to do.” According to Walters, fully 98% of Americans use some form of recreational drug on a regular basis, and at least 30% of them use some form of illegal recreational drug. “Enforcing laws against something that everyone does is a waste of money and manpower that can be better put to use elsewhere,” said Walters.

Attorney General Ashcroft added that they were considering repeal of a wide variety of such laws. “We think that if a third of Americans break a particular law, it’s silly to have those laws on the books. It’s a waste of law enforcement effort to have laws that even law enforcement agents themselves break regularly.” The Attorney General claimed speeding as an example. “Speeding! Everybody on the highway speeds, including off-duty police officers. It’s unsafe to do otherwise on our highways. And yet we have entire law enforcement divisions dedicated to nothing but ticketing people for driving safely. Can you imagine it? That much law enforcement wasted on speeders in the wake of September 11?”

President Bush added that “we are finished with stop-gap measures. These three policies will cut at the evil heart of terrorism, eroding the desire of terrorists to commit terrorist acts, cutting the funding of their masters, and removing their ability to commit deadly acts unopposed by their victims.”