Dover, New Hampshire police chief William Fenniman announced yesterday that as part of “Operation Home School” they would be pushing U.S. Attorney Jean Weld to seize all college campuses in the United States, “except perhaps Yale. Yale doesn’t have any drugs.”

According to Fenniman, colleges are “admitting students known to have used recreational drugs in the past.” While college presidents have said that this is a rehabilative choice, Fenniman responded that it is not in America’s best interest to turn these lives around. “We cannot have drug users become successful,” said Fenniman. “It undermines the drug war when potheads can actually get a college education--and succeed at it.” Fenniman said the police wouldn’t mind so much if drug users were failing college, but apparently “they do just as well as anyone else.”

According to Fenniman, the problem of successful drug addicts was first noticed during the Reagan administration, when First Lady Nancy Reagan decried “casual” drug users, users who looked like--and were--otherwise successful people. “We realized then that successful drug users were our worst enemy in the war on drugs,” said Fenniman, “because it made it look like we were lying when we said that using drugs was like frying your brain with a side of bacon.”

Jean Weld agreed. “We first tried to just shoot all successful drug users, but (former Los Angeles Police Chief) Darryl Gates ruined that strategy, so we switched to forcing drug users to become unsuccessful.” According to Weld, the first step in the new strategy to keep drug users from succeeding in normal society was to keep them out of college. “Thus, we passed a law forbidding financial aid to anyone convicted of using drugs in the past. This keeps them from gaining an education, and skews the statistics towards failure.”

The next step, according to Weld, was to “end the medical marijuana program and to block medical marijuana initiatives in the states.” Weld said that this makes those who need marijuana die. “When a drug user dies, it doesn’t matter that it was the lack of their medicine that caused them to die,” said Weld, “all that matters is that the statistics show another drug user dead.”

“Our main weapon, however,” said Weld, “is, and continues to be, asset forfeiture and seizures.” Weld added that seizing schools was just another outgrowth of normal drug seizures. “We want to take away any possibility that drug users, or even potential drug users, might be able to educate themselves.”

Fenniman added that during their undercover operations at various college campuses, he was “surprised that so many students use recreational drugs. I’d say that at least 30% of college students have used illegal drugs at some point.” Fenniman said that this was clearly enough to justify the seizure of schools.

Ivy league spokesperson Harvey Cornell countered that “according to federal studies, 30% of everyone in the United States have used illegal drugs at some point.”

“Well, we can’t hardly seize the entire United States,” said Fenniman. “Where would we put it?”

DEA Agent Eric Stratton added while the whole United States was safe from seizure, “at least for now,” certain individual states were being targeted under RICO. “That students are guilty is an indictment of the educational system,” said Stratton, “and if the educational system is guilty, this is an indictment of the states that also allow drug use.”

Stratton said that just as drug users should not be allowed to educate themselves, sick drug users should not be allowed to get better. “Some states, such as California and Arizona, have been facilitating drug use by disgusting people,” said Stratton. “They are just as bad as the drug lords. Under RICO, they are drug lords. We’ll be seizing those states and taking control.”

When asked if this meant states whose voters enacted medical marijuana acts to assist sick people, Stratton replied “yes, sick, disgusting people. These are disgusting people who are not like you or me. It’s all just a ruse to get drugs. AIDS? Yuck. Disgusting.”

Yale spokesperson Ryan Sutherland countered the claim that Yale has no drugs with “we do so have drugs at Yale. Why, last summer, at band camp...”